Kathi Hepler
@tKineticWellnessCenter
Living with the Unknown
Anyone who has spent much time in the therapy room with me has probably heard me refer to the unknown as “anxiety’s favorite playground.” Basically, when we are faced with significant uncertainties, we tend to insert all sorts of what-ifs into that empty space and before we know it anxiety is swinging off the monkey bars, racing down the slide, and spinning wildly on the merry-go-round of our mind. The intensity can vary from situation to situation and from person to person, but most of us have had this experience at least once in our lives. My hope today is to give you some tools for when your playground has been over-run.
“…possibilities. Catch yourself…notice your body…take a breath… drop your shoulders down. “
One of the first things I ask myself (or my clients, kids, friends, etc) is “which part of the unknown can become known, and what has to happen to fill in those blanks?” If getting those pieces answered is within your control, take some action to get answers! Goal directed action is a balm for anxiety and worry when the action is well chosen. And you’ve reduced the amount of unknown that you have to grapple with! If there are not knowable pieces then we can identify how to care for ourselves while we wait, and remind ourselves of the facts (which are separate from the fears), and also the options available to us.
Another helpful step is to recognize when you are predicting the future…none of us have a functioning crystal ball to the best of my knowledge. Often when we get caught in predicting we tend to err on the side of less pleasant or more drastic possibilities. Catch yourself…notice your body…take a breath… drop your shoulders down. How likely is that prediction, really, honestly, and practically speaking? Are there any possible outcomes that might be better? Are those any more or less likely? If we change our focus from what could go wrong and share that space equally with what could go right, we have saved ourselves a lot of anxiety, distress, and energy that could be better spent elsewhere.
Then there’s “what if” which keeps us endlessly guessing with might happen while we actually can’t know. Do yourself a favor, answer that “what if” in a way that is honest and possible. If that unwanted thing happens, what can I do to handle the experience? My favorite personal example was when I gave my first presentation at a conference. I was terrified – I’m a huge introvert. So I asked myself “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” and decided it would be to fall on my face on the way to the podium. So I made a plan…if that happened I would get up, walk to the podium, and say something akin to “well, that was graceful…” and then give my presentation. In both planning and finding humor I was able to let go of a lot of my anxiety and really land in the knowledge that I can handle stuff pretty well.
Redirect yourself to the facts vs fears
This means acknowledging facts that support your fear honestly, but also seeking and holding on to facts that do not support your fear. Try allowing yourself to explore the whole picture and deal only with “what is” rather than also with “what might become.”
If you have exhausted these options and are still struggling with what remains unknown go do something else rather than staying a prisoner of your worry. Move your body, take a walk, swim, take a drive, call a friend, bake a cake, pet your dog, play fun music and dance, paint, do a crossword, use a guided meditation, try your favorite yoga poses, read an uplifting story, find your humor. You can step away for a time when there is nothing more you can do. Sitting and worrying/predicting will not increase the likelihood of a good outcome, or of a bad one. It will simply exhaust you emotionally. Take good care of yourself, you are worth it.
You can step away for a time when there is nothing more you can do. Sitting and worrying/predicting will not increase the likelihood of a good outcome, or of a bad one. It will simply exhaust you emotionally.
